So 2020 has thrown us a lot of lemons – the sourest of which is a global pandemic of the novel coronavirus COVID-19
Let me start by expressing my condolences to the loved ones of the thousands that have died from complications of the virus and to the millions who have suffered from it and recovered. This is a scary time and humankind is being reminded that we are not as clever or powerful as we like to think we are…
In addition to the physical effects of this pandemic, the mental health effects – from lockdowns, reduced contacts, and job losses – have been equally or more devastating. I have always tried to see the humour in my daily life and I much prefer to laugh and smile,than cry. I truly want the world to be a happy place and for everyone to just get along. The fact that my smile is covered up whenever I leave my house is a major impediment to this life mission!!!
Early in the spring of 2020 I followed the public health guidelines and minimized my contacts. I live alone, my only physical contacts were when grocery shopping and occasionally seeing my neighbours in the hall all at a safe “social distance” of 2 metres. I got by with Zoom calls with family and friends and attending virtual meetings. I took some pride in being a good citizen and doing my part to control the spread – “flatten the curve”. After many weeks of this I got increasingly desperate for just being able to touch another guy – to hug him, carress him, et cetera. I held out until the cases started to drop in the summer and the lockdowns eased. At that point I reached out to several friends to meet – one at a time – but I will admit I did so with tremendous guilt. I felt that I was “cheating” and no longer being a good citizen – both of which are possibly true – however I justified it to myself that I was being responsible and limiting my contacts (in the “before days” I was fairly slutty and hooked up with many guys) and that I was looking after my mental health. I played and will admit I had some good old hot fun – no complaints.
However my conscience was not clear. I also consumed (a lot) more drugs and to a lesser degree alcohol to mask the loneliness. The end of October after a particularly torrid week where I did things I shouldn’t and stepped out of my comfort zone, I fortunately recognized that my pursuit of fun was spiraling into a bad place. I locked away the drugs (so they were harder to get and less of a temptation), gifted most of my wine to various neighbours (and even got some brownie points, little did they know my motivation) and asked a good friend to call me out if I went on any of the hook-up sites. I am not sure that it was the right reaction – cold turkey is not always the best dish – but I have enough self-awareness to know I had to do something. Let me also say I am not in any way criticizing or judging what anyone else is doing – we all have to do what is right for ourselves and for me that was to pause, sober up and look for pleasure somewhere other than sex and kink – though not sure that exists, lol…
Okay, I’ve said my piece. I would welcome your comments (well maybe I should get some subscribers first, lol).
Be well and be happy! Cheers.
Chillgguy's Blog 